How to overcome the fear of rejection
How to overcome the fear of rejection? I keep in touch with my ex-ward, Stephanie. For three years she had no personal life - no dates and acquaintances. She began working on my program, met with different men for several months and married in a couple of years. Now she is helping her friends. Stephanie called me very excited - a friend with whom she was engaged in my program, got married last week! Stephanie called when I was writing this chapter. And I immediately remembered the path that she took.
When Stefania began to observe her inner state, questions surfaced that she was extremely surprised. A successful business woman, she could not even think that she feels fear of rejection and is therefore very vulnerable in relationships with men. How to overcome the fear of rejection? Stephanie made the discovery: “Amazing. It turns out that when I talk with a stranger, I think only about my weight, about the shortcomings of my own skin, that is, about my appearance.At work, such thoughts never occur to me. I realized that I felt uncomfortable when communicating with a gentleman, and therefore I behave unnaturally. It is not surprising that no one ever invited me on a date. ”
Stephanie found friends who became her support team. She started working on my book "Changes that Heal." In this book I pay a lot of attention to the hidden causes of fears. Stephanie saw how relationships in the parental family influenced her in her childhood - the non-acceptance and criticism of her close people. She had not thought about this before, and she lived with incurable spiritual wounds. These wounds provoked not only Stephanie’s unhealthy expectations (“I, as always, were rejected”), but also forced her to neglect her body — she did not care about her figure and became fat. In addition, Stephanie acquired a whole arsenal of psychological defenses, as she was afraid to be vulnerable again.
She began to work out her usual patterns of behavior and cry out her pain. Stephanie opened up - she allowed her friends to accept themselves as they are and to show their love for her.Gradually, she gained confidence in herself, began to perceive her body and her sexuality normally. The fear of rejection that has lived in it since childhood has disappeared. Men instantly felt it and for the first time in a long time drew attention to it. Stephanie lost weight and learned to behave with men naturally. I have worked with Stefania with great interest.
I told this story so that you understand how important it is to find out what is happening in your soul and to work through the problems found. The fate of Stephanie is an illustration of the words I quoted earlier: “Keep your heart most of all stored, because from it are the sources of life” (Prov. 4:23). The reasons for Stephanie’s unsuccessful personal life were rooted in her past, lived in her heart, and she didn’t go there.
Here is what Stephanie told me on the phone:
“After the graduates' evening, I and my married friend Robin talked with Leah, a pretty red-haired girl, a member of a group that works on your program. The rest of the women had already gone. We told Leah how to learn how to establish relationships with men. And then Leah said: "Yes, Stefochka, you can easily get acquainted with men, you are an extrovert!"
To which I replied: “Leah, being an introvert is not a reason for being alone. You do not know what I was before I started working with Henry on the program. Previously, I did not know how, sat beech in a dark corner. And then I learned to be friendly and open with men. Believe me, not so long ago I could not come up and start a conversation with a guy! I was not just an introvert - I didn’t understand what was going on with me. ”
I confirm: yes, Stefania was like that. But when she looked into herself, she understood why she was at an impasse. She is now sharing her experience with other women. She teaches them! Now Stefania clearly sees reality and understands why this or that woman is unhappy. The history of Stephanie confirms the principle that Christ revealed to the people: "Take out the log from your eye first, and then you will see how to remove the mote out of the eye of your brother" (Mt 7: 5). We begin to better understand our neighbors after we know ourselves. The first step is to recognize your feelings and listen to your thoughts. The second step is to deal with your questions. And then life will begin to change.
Here is my advice, joined by both Stephanie and other people who have completely changed the state of affairs in their personal lives:
Start working on the program and watch what happens inside you.
Start working on the problems that you were able to detect. Talk to your friends, talk to a psychologist, counselor, friend - in a word, to those who will help you to heal wounds and part with a load that pulls you back.
In the next chapter, we will look at the problems that prevent well-being in your personal life, and look for possible solutions.
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